The Moment I Realized My Heart Was a Dick, or Probably Not

queer love in the time of social media.

Crushes are a fucker
In that way where you’re shit scared
But mostly excited
And I realize
That I usually have to wait in long lines for a ride to feel like this
On hot days
Surrounded by exhausted parents and their obnoxious kids
When all parts of adrenaline are screaming for attention
I can’t eat
My appetite is too consumed with hunger
For connection
For passion
For the butterflies that move just as fast as fast as their wingspan will allow
And by now I’ve noticed
That I carry myself prouder when I feel like this
When I come to the conclusion that it’s entirely too brave to crave someone out loud
But that doesn’t stop me from the YAWPing
Never will
And I am not as smart as my heart thinks I am
Never have been
Its wingspan is much too fast for my logic to grasp on to
It’s easier for me to just let loose and let my romance speak for the both of us
I trust it that much
Always have

So, I tell her that I like her via text
Not really giving much thought to what might come next
That part, for me, has never been a deciding factor
Focusing on what happens after
Only seems as though one is choosing to put their passion on the back burner
And I don’t like people often enough to care that much about outcome
Just like I definitely don’t wait for their permission to jump
That’s the same as asking if I’m tall enough for this ride
When I’d rather just wear the shoes that prove I am
That prove my height has nothing to do with my courage
Just like this ride has nothing to do with my dive

And when she replies
She emotes with a smile
Nothing more
I don’t tell her that I like the cryptic surprise in this
Not yet
I don’t tell her how good I am at holding doors
Or bodies
Or truths
Not yet
Because the truth is
I didn’t see this coming
There’s no way I could have
That would’ve made my heart a dick
When it isn’t
And there are probably a million reasons to step out of line
To wait for another day
To wait for another ride
But instead, I reply
Emoting with a smile back
The one with the black sunglasses
Because no matter what happens in the after
I let myself be brave again
And in the end
Really
That’s all that matters

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